I never actually understood why I never could get it right. I would date and date in each time hoping to get something different. Honestly, I’d call it insanity doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Was expecting a different outcome? Time and time again I would repeat the addiction I had become so accustom to pain. It wasn’t until I reached a place in my life where I’d become so uncomfortable with I decided it was time for a change. I realize what I had been lacking, I realized I had to find the love within myself to receive the love I fought so much for time and time again.
I think about the guys I gave [myself] to wishing, hoping, and believing, this time, would be different giving [myself ]heartbreak after heartbreak setting [myself] up for the small failures of which became so permeant to me you’d think it came naturally.
It got to a point where I had been talking to this guy this month and that guy next month and this guy just for a short period.Traumatized by the memories, they began to play over and over again like a broken record.
I wanted to love; It seemed like love would never come in contact with [me] was the love I depicted impossible to attain? A love that I very well deserved. Was I overlooking the right guy? What am I doing wrong I thought?
It wasn’t until I decided to take the time out for [myself] to get to know [me] better and understand [myself]. I had to get to a place where I had become so uncomfortable with my continuous decisions that I had realized I was headed toward self-destruction.
I hadn’t accepted loneliness with an open invitation because being in the presence of [my]lonely self-seemed scarier than the actual thought.
It took[ me] a while to realize the only way I’d ever be able to receive what I prayed to God for over and over again was to tear myself apart and focus on the inside of [me]
I forced [myself] to come to grips with [my]naked truth, and I slowly began to become free. I had been guilty of falling into the vicious cycle of self-victimization, so I couldn’t understand what the necessary ingredients were to [my]happiness, but I realized that started within [myself].
I became silent, I became patient, I learned to love [myself]Many people don’t realize the true ingredient many of us seem to miss [self-love, self-worth, and self-encouragement ]as I spoke about previously in [self-validation]. I began to focus on [myself], focus on [my goals], and focus on [God ]and so many things changed for [me].
I always prayed for someone to love [me]
Unconditionally. The first time I met my guy I didn’t know how to accept his love the connection was instant and almost unbearable. The first time we met, I couldn’t receive his love I didn’t understand why he loved me why he thought I was so beautiful and more than what the eye can see.
I share this with you all because I had been thinking to [myself]love was never for [me] I didn’t deserve it, I couldn’t accept it, and I would never have my fair shot at it. I look back at who I once was, and I smile at the woman I’m becoming I smile that I found someone of whom I click with naturally I smile that he loves me, but I smile inside because in order for [me] to accept the love he gives [me] and have some understanding of why he loves [me] it took the strength of [me] to love [myself ]first.
Love. Changed my life it opened up the capacity inside I never knew existed but I’d never be where I am until I took out the time of growth just for [me].Never feel like it’s impossible to love just remember without[ self-love] you will always have the inability to love or understand it. [Self-love] provides a foundation of [real love] so your prepared to accept love whenever it arrives.
Be strong. Be daring. Be blessed
-Ciarra R Zyyon