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Its not your turn…. Or is it ? (SIGNS)…

Sometimes life is filled with twist, turns, and millions of things that seem to take us off track. Here I was  focused, God first ,and goal seeking then he came. In the door with millions of bursts  of wind as I  sat there thinking to myself …oh this is too good to be true.(SIGN #1)

The guy  I loved for about a year had finally came back to me.  I was very strong in my prayer life; I had been celibate and everything made since. Not only was I happy but I felt all the emotion I had within myself come back to the surface. I finally got the love I deserved.I finally got the love I prayed for.

So what did I do …? Honestly what anyone would do i took him back I mean he didn’t hurt me that bad before so why not? I told him actions speak louder than words and even though he hurt me before  he assured me I was the one he would never hurt again.  The words began to flow like sweet melodies and I felt every word like sweet sugar pure sugar no need for the sugar-free taste.

Now wait a minute Ciarra how on earth could that make any sense? I  started to listen to his plans, I started to move with his slight movements and even a fool would realize nothing about him was different (SIGN#2)….but the love I had and quite high levels of infatuation for him guided me along and somehow I found myself not thinking straight.

I think I got caught up in the idea of him, and I couldn’t allow the moment to leave me.  This time, he promised me it would be different so why wouldn’t it be? He promised he would love me and give me all I wanted and thought I deserved.

If I’m honest with myself, he knew how to play my emotions and drunken by his love I couldn’t see the destruction that was on its way. It took 3 weeks…………. That’s all it freakin took…. 3 fucking weeks for his true intentions to reveal themselves and for reality of the truth to knock me upside my head.

It’s not your turn…. Boy did that hurt… The time I thought was mine the time I thought would be the time of my life for the rest of my life with the love of my life. Shortly began to fade into the night like yesterday had never arrived.

I tell myself daily as I began to face the first heartbreak I had had in ages that life’s too short. I told myself God guides us through small challenges are made just to test our faith and to see how focused we truly are on what’s next.(SIGN#3)

Not only did I fail I am left to pick every bit of the broken pieces I had to place together in this fucked up puzzle and aftermath of heartbreak. I know I felt it was my time, but it’s not my time to focus on anyone but myself.  I thought  I had mastered the art of self-love and being alone, but it wasn’t until he broke my heart once more did I realize I still needed time for growth.

Life is about happiness and for me happiness means being at peace. It didn’t matter if I was the best person for him, it didn’t matter if I showed him I’d always have his back even when he had nothing. It didn’t matter if I gave him my all. A fool will never be able to appreciate my worth or anything else I could provide.

It’s hard when you feel like everyone is happy so your strive to find every bit of your own happiness meanwhile everyone has someone. It’s hard because I never fall love because falling in love is for the weak. We so often say I fell in love however falling is the easy part. if that someone you love can’t provide growth, support, and unchanging support for you then it’s not love you indeed fell into a bad situation. Love is a time for growth and time for a change and for progression, if he/ she can’t help you grow they have no place in the space you are growing. I found that people will see your goodness, and as long as you allow them to use it they will abuse it, especially if you never place limits on how far they can go.

I thought It wasn’t my time because once again love had proven me wrong but again I realize what in the Hell was I thinking ?Love had proven me right. Timing will always have a way of revealing its true place and the time  provided me with a chance I may have never gotten if I hadn’t opened my eyes up and been still .. Being alone isn’t hard its just scary Self-love is the best type of love so you never feel like you need anyone  especially if you realize what you have inside is just enough. I went from feeling down thinking to myself I guess it isn’t my time for love just yet but I realized this is my time, time  to  live and focus on myself …  its my time for me

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